<Rant>
Am I just depressed or getting old, or is anyone else sick and tired of the end-of-year fanfare?
I used to sit down and reflect on the year and go over what I’d accomplished or endured and what my plans were for the following year. Now not only do I not give a fuck, I’m also tired of all the newsletters and podcasts talking about the year’s best movies, TV, music, etc. and how to “stop drinking for a month” or “take control of your finances.” I’m even sick of the “biggest news stories of the year.”
Ever since Covid I haven’t really been thriving physically or even mentally, I’ve simply been surviving. I’ve been seemingly thriving financially, though. I’m not wealthy by any means, but I finally have shit under control and my net worth is growing, not shrinking. Hell, I actually have a net worth now that’s not in red. It’s like a triangle – physical, mental, financial. I think I only have the capacity to focus on one side of the triangle at a time. Once finances are in order they almost run themselves (with a few checkups here and there). Mental health is quite a bit more challenging. Physical health can be as well when you’re short on time and energy, but mental and physical are inextricably linked, and when one declines (or improves) the other does, too. Perhaps I should focus on those for 2025. There’s just so much, you know, because I also want to learn T-SQL and start playing the ukulele and guitar again. And write that memoir… but I’m not going to do fuck-all if my physical and mental health aren’t good.
Each year has its ups and downs and things have been getting better since the awful 2022, but I still feel fairly damaged from that year (as well as the first few months of 2023 and even this year I lost another pet). I’ve accomplished a lot over the last few years, but since I only have like, two friends, and neither of them actually hang out with me, no one knows anything unless I talk about it here.
Sometimes I feel as if I’m a little bit lost because for 40 hours a week I have to assimilate and fit in. I often feel like I’m a bit of an outcast on my own team because I’m the only woman on my team, the oldest on my team, and the only woman in IT who’s working in the office. The guys like to talk about beer, sports, and the places they travel to. I hate sports, don’t like beer, and the only places I want to travel to are Yellowstone or here in the PNW in the middle of nowhere. These people also grew up with somewhat normal parents and happy childhoods. They don’t smoke weed or cuss like sailors, and they’re all monogamous and married except one, and he’s only 25 and already wanting to settle down.
I’m sure they wonder why I’m never in a relationship. I’ve tried to explain it to one of them, but the only thing I could muster was something along the lines of, “I don’t trust anyone not to hurt me because every man I’ve given my heart to has, so why the fuck would I?”
It’s not like I can just blurt out, “I’m into ethical non-monogamy and don’t trust men” when I work on a team of all monogamous… men.
I’m still never going back to social media. If I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t have known all that time that only one of those 160 “friends” were actually friends. Only ONE has stayed in touch on a regular basis (you know who you are – thank you).
</Rant>
Thievery Corporation Concert
Wow, that was an amazing concert! I was nervous about going because it was at the Roseland Theater in Portland and I went alone. I looked on Google Maps for parking and kept reading a lot of horrible reviews of parking lots where cars had been broken into. So I took literally everything out of my car before I went, and left it all open to show it was empty (glove box, center console, etc.) I managed to get a spot right in front of the pay kiosk under a bright light. I paid the $14 for parking, walked to the Roseland Theater without incident, and fumbled around getting in line and my ticket scanned and wrist stamped. I did not know my way around at all. I didn’t even know where to find the bathroom.
Old Town smells like urine and weed.
I managed to get myself in, went to the bathroom, got a drink, and found my seat. The guy sitting right in front of me was the only bad part of the show. He was tall, had a giant fluffy head, and kept bobbing around and putting his hands out in front of himself. What an obnoxious moron. So I didn’t get many good photos or videos because he was in the way.
I didn’t know what to expect because Thievery Corporation is just two dudes, at least according to Spotify and Wikipedia. But they toured with two drummers, a bass player, and three vocalists. It was phenomenal. Around the middle of the show they sat in a half circle and did an acoustic set. They did most of my favorite songs by them! They put on such an enjoyable show, I could watch them every night. I’ve always loved them ever since my ex introduced me to them in about 2006, but I’m completely obsessed with them now.
Work
I got another raise. It was just a formality because when they had originally put me on salary, they put me on this weird bonus plan where rather than getting the same bonuses hourly employees get, I’d have to do one huge project for the year, and it the bonus is ideally $5,000 but is dependent upon sales and the company’s safety record. Well I’m corporate, so “safety” in the context of the company doesn’t have anything to do with me and as e-commerce, I have no bearing at all on sales. Additionally, my entire job consists of one huge project after another. My boss agreed on all counts (he was actually the one who said it out loud), so they are keeping me on salary, but switching me back to the same bonuses hourly employees get (my bonus ended up being only $4,000 because our local branch’s safety record is abysmal). Since those hourly employee bonuses are smaller, they bumped my base pay up by 2.8%.
Finances
2024 was the year I spent a fuck-ton of money. My mom gave me enough to pay off my mortgage, so there went $136k. Then I bought a new couch, chair, and coffee table. There went another few thousand. After that it was a vet bill for when Reuben passed away. Then I rebuilt my desktop PC, bought a new laptop, and a couple of weeks ago got a new phone (my son gets all of my hand-me-downs and his phone was no longer holding a charge). Then there were the four new appliances to the tune of almost $5k, and all the jewelry, make-up, and clothes to complete my makeover.
After that it was a new coffee maker, crockpot, cookware, and keyboard and mouse. I’m very happy with my Keychron C2 mechanical keyboard with red linear switches. I put blue clicky ones on the 10-key keypad. I got a few other small things as well; stuff that I’d been using for almost 10 years and had just worn out, like my electric razor that was also no longer holding a charge.
Most of it was necessary; a lot of it was in want of a fresh start, and a little of it was wanting to avoid the impending inflation presumably by next summer, courtesy of tariffs and mass deportations. I’m definitely done spending money now, because I’ve been riding that fine line between “buy now to avoid tariffs” and “save to survive recession” and I can’t predict the future. I can only go by my gut, but I do trust my gut 100% of the time. I bought all the big ticket items from China. The only things left are the over-the-range microwave (mine is 20 years old) and refrigerator. I have $400 in Home Depot gift cards, but I need a break from all of that for a little while. And I’m not getting a new fridge any time soon since mine was manufactured in 2015.
It’s all good, though. I’m still socking away a bunch into my 401(k), Roth IRA, and high yield savings. I’m working on saving up $30k over the next four years for my next car so as to keep car payments down to somewhere around $200/month. My other goal is to have $20k in my emergency fund (six months of [bare bones] living expenses) within the next few years. At some point I’d love to reach $100k in cash assets, or rather $130k since $30k of that will go toward a car. I’ve never seen that much money before. Hell, before my grandparents passed away, I’d never seen $10k before.
I did make the decision to put money into high yield savings that goes toward bills that are paid only annually or larger bills that are paid semi-annually. That’s property taxes, homeowner’s insurance, and auto insurance. That way, that money will be earning interest all year while it’s waiting to be paid, then I’ll transfer it out once it’s due. A money market account would make more sense, but I don’t have enough to open one and I’d rather be banking with my credit union. I don’t even know if they offer one, but I doubt the interest would be as high as the big banks if they did. So, this is my workaround.
Dating
I really should change this heading to “FWB-ing” because it’s not actually dating. Sure, I go on dates, but it’s only to see if there’s a mutual attraction and to get the dude’s vibe so I can make sure he’s not a creep.
The Guy and I hit a couple of rough patches recently because of my insecurities. He had a health scare and told me about it and that was why I hadn’t heard from him for almost a week. I was relieved to hear from him again, but then he disappeared for another four days and of course I freaked out. That creates a bit of a rift between us and we begin to argue, and typically I storm off and stop talking to him. But this time I’m really trying to work things out. We’re also both not in good places right now because he has some health issues and then his daughter got sick. Then he got sick, and I’m sick and everybody is fucking sick. He and I haven’t seen each other since a couple of days before Thanksgiving. We are still talking, though. I told him I want to see him again so we can set some realistic expectations, particularly for me, where levels of communication are concerned.
I’m pretty sure he’s on the autism spectrum. I have asked him and he said, “I do not think I am,” but yeah… he totally is. Even my son thinks so. Oh yeah, they finally met. It was only a little awkward, but at least we got that out of the way. That whole thing was making him hesitant a couple of years ago, but he’s more comfortable with it now. I mean, it has been over two years now we’ve been doing this off and on.
I’d rather keep it ‘on’ than ‘off,’ that’s for sure. But I do not feel the need or want for a committed relationship, particularly not a monogamous one. This guy is really busy all the time, so the fact that we saw each other so often over the fall was an anomaly. I’ll probably only get to see him once a month. He and I have talked about that and he does want me to find someone else in addition to him to meet my needs. He said he’s not comfortable with talking about the person with me, but he is comfortable with the “abstract idea” of it and knowing that some of the pressure is off of him to meet all of my needs.
It actually makes me feel good to know that he doesn’t feel comfortable with talking about who else I’m fucking.
Health
Fuck RFK Jr., I am getting all the vaccines! In mid-September I got the most recent Flu and Covid vaccines. Then the day after my 50th birthday I got my TDaP booster and the first in the Shingles series. The Shingles shot messed up my arm for a bit and gave me a headache, fever, and body aches.
The day after Christmas I went in to get my second Shingles in the series, maybe a little too close to the first. I wanted to make sure I got it while I was on PTO due to side effects, and before Brain Worm is confirmed to his position to fuck up health in the U.S. We can get the second one 2-6 months after the first. For me it had been 2.5 months.
OMG. That vaccine was the worst. I was up all night throwing up (not norovirus – that was worse), felt like I’d been run over by a train, and had a fever of 101. Bear in mind my normal is 97.3, so that’s 102.3 for someone with a normal temp. Everything I’d read said side effects would last 2-3 days… thank goodness mine were only one. Then later, my temperature read 96.6. I took it again… that must be wrong, right? No… 96.8. I don’t know what the fuck is happening to me, but I am decidedly not postmenopausal.
Apparently hormone testing is worthless because, like they always said about Covid home tests, “It’s only a snapshot of where you are that day.” I have been having really terrible raging hot flashes. They’re the worst in the evening and early morning. It’s from about 7pm to noon the next day. I only get relief from them for about seven hours out of the day. I wake up hot and soaked in sweat, it goes away, and as fast as it left, it comes back again. I have four folding fans – one one my headboard, one at work, one by the couch, and one in my purse.
On Friday I went and got antibiotics and steroids for a sinus infection I have that came on slowly and out of nowhere without a cold first. I’ve been working on this infection and trying to get rid of it for a month, but then suddenly I started coughing. A LOT. This really feels like whooping cough, but no one has bothered to test me for it despite an epidemic of that we have going on here in Oregon right now. Regardless, I do have some congestion in my chest, so I’m taking the antibiotics and Mucinex. The TDaP covers whooping cough (that’s the ‘P’ for Pertussis), so if I do have it, it’s supposedly a mild case. I mean… I haven’t broken any ribs, so there is that. And I just got the shot 2.5 months ago. It’s a once-every-10-years booster for adults.
So go get yours now!
In mid-January I have Hepatitis B and Pneumonia vaccines scheduled. You can get Hep B at age 50 and the CDC just lowered the recommendation for Pneumonia from 65 to 50. Fred Meyer is already on that bandwagon, so as long as my insurance company is as well, I’ll be able to get it. Then I think I’m good until the RSV vaccine at age 65. Then all I’ll have to worry about Brain Worm taking away is our Flu and Covid vaccines. I’m a huge fan of those, especially that Moderna Covid one. I haven’t caught a single common cold since I started getting those vaccines (I’ve had a total of six now). It’s actually been five years because in 2020 all I had was the flu (despite being vaccinated). It was Type A, which is particularly nasty and the vaccine’s effectiveness was low that year.
Anyway… my weight is still way too high, and The Guy and I both need to work on that. His health issues are from his weight and he acknowledged that because the problem he’s been having is with high blood pressure. It got so high he woke up with chest pains one night. So maybe he and I can work on that together.
I wasn’t kidding when I said everyone is sick. My ex just got over norovirus and now has strep and bronchitis. My daughter is six months pregnant and has type A flu. My son is the only one not sick right now.
Goals?
Why do I never have any anymore? Is it because I’m 50 now, and any physical goals beyond weight loss and regular fitness are out of reach? My goal right now is to keep the arthritis pain in my spine and left knee under control.
Travel goals? Nope. Bucket list? Nah. Financial? I have those now. Hobbies? No time for those this year… or last, or the one before that. My only goals now are to prepare for my imminent demise (finally write the memoir and update my will again in a few years).
But in all seriousness, I have had ZERO time for any hobbies, let alone goals. I keep wondering where all of my time is going, and a good chunk of it is just me vegging out on the couch after work until bedtime. I need to stop doing that, or at least give myself a limit of 2-3 days a week or something. On the other hand, I also spend a lot of time cleaning and maintaining things around here, especially over the last few years. This condo is 45 years old, after all. These newfangled appliances are higher maintenance with all their cleaning schedules and filters and the shiny glass stove top I’ve already scratched with a serial number on the bottom of a new pot. The ventless dryer is especially finicky. Since there is no vent, we must meticulously clean the lint filters (there are indeed two). The new coffee maker is a Keurig, and that requires a certain level of maintenance to keep it from clogging up. I got a 4-pack of reusable k-cups so we can still use bagged coffee.
Oh, speaking of “we”… that’s where a lot of my time is going. My son is still living here and paying $400/month “rent” and in return, I pick up his room. I get the trash, recycling, dirty dishes, and make sure he has a box of tissues and the plant is watered. I vacuum, but it’s his responsibility to do his own laundry and dust. Almost two years in, we are still debating over whose job it is to wash his bedding. So my role here is also kind of an unofficial full-time AirBnB host. I’m also life coach, financial advisor, and therapist. When we have conversations, they’re not short. That’s probably where a lot of my extra time is going, too. He and I talk almost every night, sometimes for up to an hour.
I think that’s about all I have for the night. In 2023 I had a really good time during the summer and this one wasn’t bad either, it was just too short. I need to think of ways I can slow down more, but at the same time work on my health. I’m not sure how to manage that. To be fair, buying a lot of things this year took up a lot of my time. New things require set-up and getting rid of the old things, which is time consuming, especially when the new things require rearranging of other things around them to make them fit nicely. Maybe 2025 will be the year of experiences rather than things, since things will be more expensive.
Time to take a break. Another concert, perhaps? The listings don’t look great so far for 2025, so maybe some camping instead. Or a road trip. Or both. I will be meeting my new granddaughter in April.