My sweet boy passed away at the nearby veterinarian clinic last week. Reuben was never really the same after Hoshiko died. He was old, and I think he was depressed and gave up. His kidneys failed and it all happened so fast, I didn’t realize anything was wrong until he’d stopped eating and lost a lot of weight. He’d also stopped jumping onto the table and kitchen counters. By my estimation based on when we adopted him and how old he was at the time, he was probably around 14, same as Hoshiko when she died. Reuben wasn’t as far gone physically as Hoshiko, but I did not want to wait as long. I didn’t want his quality of life to decline as badly as hers did in the end. It was a really tough decision, but the whole point is to prevent further suffering, and they can’t tell us when they’re in pain.
I had the vet clinic do a private cremation so that I could keep his cremains with Hoshiko’s. The carved wooden box they put him in is the most beautiful box I’ve ever received for cremains and it’s the biggest as well. I opened it up and saw that his ashes took up only about half the space inside and the rest of the space was occupied by a crumpled piece of paper. So I pushed the paper aside and put Hoshiko’s little bag of ashes in there with his. Now they will spend forever together, just as they spent their lives. When we adopted Hoshiko she was only three months old. When we adopted Reuben about a year later, he was six months old. They spent the human equivalent of about 90 years together.
Hoshiko was quite the scrapper; she hated all other cats and even once broke through a window screen when she saw one outside because she wanted to fight it. When we adopted Reuben we had to keep him in a separate room, pet him, then let Hoshiko sniff our fingers. She hissed at first. Finally, after about a month, we slowly introduced the two of them. Hoshiko eventually became used to the idea of having Reuben around, and they became best friends. They cuddled and Reuben cleaned Hoshiko’s ears for her. He was the sweetest cat I’ve ever met. He was more like a puppy, really. He was often overbearing and he drooled, humped pillows, destroyed my furniture, and was a huge pain in the ass. But I loved him. The two of them will be sorely missed, and it does feel awfully empty and lonely around here.
However, I will not be adopting any more pets. I’m at the point in my life where I need to not have anything or anyone depending on me, and I want to be able to just pack up and leave for a week whether it’s a work trip, vacation, or just to go camping or visit my mom. There is no pet in existence that I can just leave alone for a week, so I’m ruling out any living things.
I do have a couple of house plants, and without pets I can have more plants. But I’m not going to go crazy with plants because my condo gets very little light. I’ll just stick with the shamrock in my son’s room and the pothos I have in the kitchen window box. I tossed my lucky bamboo because after 11 years two out of the three stalks had died and with rearranging the furniture in my bedroom, it had no place to get enough light. The shamrock needs to be watered about once a week– more in the summer. I don’t know how it would fare if I took off for a week. The pothos can go without water for a week. As for the patio, I’ll stick with my native plants and not do more than a hanging flower pot every summer. I want to keep my freedom now that I have it for the first time since August 27, 1993, when my first child was born. Ever since that day I have always had either kids, pets, or both. Now all of my kids are grown and pets are gone. I’m not even feeding the birds anymore except for Max. Later this spring I’ll pressure wash the patio.
The cats did destroy my loveseat, couch, and dining tablecloth, so I replaced the tablecloth and place mats. I switched from dark brown to beige and got place mats and matching cloth napkins with birds on them. My son and I went to a furniture outlet store and picked out a new couch, swivel chair, and coffee table. In 3-4 weeks those items will be delivered and the same company will haul away the old stuff. The new things will take up less space, so I will probably rearrange the things in the dining area and I’ll be able to use the dining table for dining (right now it’s in a corner and difficult to get to and only one person can sit at it). The couch and loveseat are 10 years old now, and they’re all scratched up, covered in dirt and spills, and cat vomit. They’re not only gross, they’re big and floofy, take up a lot of space, and dark brown. The new stuff is lighter in color so it will lighten up the room. The couch is beige and comes with throw pillows that have blue accents. The swivel chair is going to be upholstered in a blue pattern that matches the blue accents in the pillows. The coffee table is beige with a brown top that lifts up and it has drawers for storage.
I also got rid of all of the cat stuff like the litter box and cat tree, which opened up a lot of space near the front entry. We moved my tall bookcase to where the cat tree was, and I moved my dresser to where the bookcase was. That opened up space in front of my bedroom window where I put the stool and music stand for playing instruments. I still need to clean out and reorganize my garage so I can store stuff in there from my bedroom closet and I need to clean out and reorganize my closet. Near the front entry I put a small storage bench with a cushion. It looks really nice.
I might end up with enough room for an additional chair. When I spoke to the manager of the furniture store we agreed that I’ll start with what I ordered and if I have room, might add another swivel chair or small recliner. We’ll see. I’m going to prioritize the dining table having enough seating, so I may forgo another chair.
I want to start having people over for dinner. I’ve refrained from inviting people over and when I do, have been kind of embarrassed by how cramped the place is and have to say, “Sorry we can’t eat at the table.” Also, “You might not want to sit on that loveseat. If you do, you’ll be covered in fur.” But the couch is torn to shreds.
My goal is to do a complete refresh – get the new living room furniture, do a clean-out of closets, rooms, cupboards and drawers, and dust off shelves and reorganize them. I’ve been living here for eight years now, so it’s time to de-clutter. After that’s done I’ll focus again on things like replacing electrical outlets and painting the trim around the doors. Maybe one day, when I recover financially from the computer and furniture purchases, I’ll get new flooring for the stairs, bathroom, and upstairs hall (everything but the bedrooms). I can only afford to do a little at a time and still save for emergencies and retirement. To pay for the furniture I sold off some stocks in my brokerage account (thankfully it was first thing Monday morning before they all dropped in value). I’m also trying to save for the down payment on my next car, which will be in roughly 5-7 years. In addition to all of that, I’m putting an extra $200/month toward my mortgage so that I can have the condo paid off by my 67th birthday.
Sigh.
Well, that’s about all I have for today. I might be going out for drinks tonight with a coworker. Another coworker asked for my number last week and he says he wants to be “friends.” I sure hope that’s all he wants, because I do not want to date. He’s already being a little bit pushy and wanting to text in real time or talk on the phone and has offered to come over and help move furniture. I need plenty of time and space to myself. I definitely would never date a coworker, let alone one as young as he is. He’s recently divorced, and for some reason everyone I meet sees me as some kind of unlicensed, free therapist.
Maybe that should be flattering, I don’t know. But every time I’m going through a hard time, other people come out of the woodwork and need me for someone to talk to. It is flattering, but can also be a bit overwhelming.
Right now I’m very overwhelmed with grief, work, and… well, just grief and work. I recently requested some PTO just so I can have five straight days to deal with my shit and still have some time left over to hike, walk, read a book, and maybe even dust off my ukulele. I have so many more hobbies than I have time for. But that’s a good thing; it keeps me busy and out of trouble. Not that I have any trouble to get into at my age.
As far as dating goes… I don’t know. Maybe I’ll pick that back up again later, after all of my work is done. I would enjoy having friends over and cooking dinner for them. We could have a nice dinner, a fire in the fireplace, and a glass of wine and good conversation. I’d like that.
It’s been so hard losing my last two grandparents and both cats all within just 15 months. That’s an awful lot of loss and a lot of tears have been shed.
I guess this is just a new chapter in my life. A little bit less responsibility will be welcome.