Not-so-winter blues.
It started when the fires got out of control, in early August. I started drinking… more and more and more, until I found myself alternating between liquor stores every week so as not to look like a “regular;” you know, an alcoholic. I wasn’t drinking beer or wine, and I wasn’t doing shots, either. I also wasn’t day-drinking, because I value my job more than anything. I was just drinking heavily for me, which was about four cocktails every night. I found a whole slew of cocktail and shooter recipes and decided to try about eight of them. Most were delicious and calorie-laden. We’re talking probably upwards of 400 calories per drink. Amaretto became my go-to. For a couple of months I went to bed every night with a good buzz and having just consumed about two day’s worth of calories.
Then I realized– I don’t have a drinking problem, I have a sugar problem. If all I wanted was a buzz, all I had to do was down a few shots and not go to all of the trouble of mixing those drinks. Fortunately, I don’t get addicted to anything except sugar. I’ve done my share of experimentation with hard drugs and taken opioid pain medications many times (after every surgery and major dental work). I’ve never become addicted to anything– except sugar. So I decided that in order to curb my liquid sugar addiction, I needed to cut out the enabling alcohol. I still drink wine from time to time, but I’ve cut way back on the cocktails. Those Amaretto Sours, White Russians, Dreamsicles, and that Irish Cream… man, that was good stuff. I do miss it.
The weight came on quickly and with a vengeance, especially since I couldn’t work out because of the smoke. It wasn’t safe outside, or even inside. Inside air: diseased. Outside air: toxic. Inside my home was smoky, outside my home was smoky, and the gym wasn’t (still isn’t) safe. I got used to not exercising and drinking a lot, and it felt comfortable. It felt… good. Until it didn’t. Now I feel shameful. I feel fat, lethargic, and if I don’t lose it again fast, I’m going to lose my ability to ever run again (I can’t risk running at my current weight of 215 or I’ll irreversibly damage my knees).
I did finally end up getting air purifiers for every room in the house, but by the time they were shipped, it was too late to be of any use. Oh well, we’ve been running them 24/7 just to see how dirty our air in here is, and it’s already time to replace the filter in my son’s room. The air in my room is cleaner because I keep it vacuumed and wash my bedding and dust often, and there’s only me in there. The living room filters are getting dirty, presumably because of the cat dander. So I think I’ll replace all these filters, shut them off, and save them for next summer’s fire season. Those filters are fuckin’ expensive to be replacing 3-4 months, or in my son’s case, every other month.
I don’t think the pandemic itself and the resulting isolation is getting to me as much as the fires are. I know that the large fires nearby have been extinguished, but I also know enough about forest fires to know that we won’t be able to go back anytime soon. Sure, the landscape will look much different; that’s to be expected, and though it is sad, what gets to me is knowing that we won’t be able to visit anytime soon. Forests aren’t just trees; they are underbrush, flowers, fungi, ferns, fresh air, and the scent of damp earth. Even after they do clear the roads and traveling is deemed safe, the forest service roads will likely be too damaged and the trails will be unsafe. Funding for fixing everything will be an issue which is, of course, a result of lack of funds due to the pandemic and cuts from the Twitler administration. There will be falling trees, falling rocks, and most likely landslides in the spring when the heavy rains come.
I’m still doing a lot of bird watching here at home. After a deluge of Pine Siskins, Lesser Goldfinches, and American Goldfinches (all variations of finch), I decided to get a bigger feeder with suet cages attached, hang it up where the other suet was, and put a finch feeder in the original spot. So now I have regular seed, finch seed, and three suet cages. The regular seed feeder also has a lot of nuts in it. I’ve been seeing a Hairy Woodpecker perch on my fence, curious about the suet but unable to get to it because he’s so big. Hopefully he’ll be able to come and feed here now. I’ve been seeing some migratory birds here lately, like a Ruby-crowned Kinglet. I’m also seeing new year-round birds. I don’t know why they’re just now showing up, I’ve had my feeder out since April or May. I’ve spotted a Northern Flicker, a Slate-colored Junco (shiny Pokemon!), a Townsend’s Warbler, Golden-crowned Sparrow, and a Bewick’s Wren. Sir William the Anna’s Hummingbird is still guarding his feeder on a daily basis. I saw him get into a fight with Jeffrey, and now I know how hummingbirds fight. They bite each other’s feet. They have sharp, pointy objects right on their faces, and they opt to bite each other’s feet. I guess they’re only territorial, not avicidal. They’re so cute when they get all worked up. When Jeffrey takes over and sees another bird eyeing the feeder, he gets all puffed up, swings his head back and forth, and chirps incessantly. He gets pretty stressed out. Ha. Tiny bird, enormous attitude.
I’ve also been listening to a lot of news podcasts on Spotify while I’m working, and maybe that’s not the best thing for my mental health, but I feel like I need to know what’s going on. I have a lot of thoughts and opinions regarding Fuckstain in Chief’s attempt to dismantle democracy and the utter stupidity and racism exhibited by his followers, but what I have to say wouldn’t be anything that hasn’t already been said, and more eloquently at that. But honestly, I had more faith in the Republicans in Congress. I was sure they would be willing to stand up to him, but they’ve proven to be rather spineless. The biggest irony, in my opinion, is that they’re so worried about their political careers, they’re afraid to stand up to him– and yet– even if he did get another term, he cannot be POTUS forever, and what’s left of their political careers will forever be tarnished by their unwillingness to uphold democracy. They are willing to destroy their own legacies long term over short-term political gain. It’s complete nonsense, and I have never seen a more egregiously selfish, morally and ethically bankrupt group of people.
Not much else going on here. I just work (still from home), cook, clean, and go for short walks around the neighborhood when I am feeling up to it. I’ve always loved the rain, but this year I’m using it an an excuse to stay in and sit around and watch the birds. I’ve gone for “bird-watching walks,” but I actually get much more action at home than I see in the forest and I can watch them from the couch where it’s warm and dry. Every morning I open the sliding glass door and say “Good morning, William!” to William. Sometimes I sit here and watch him stretch his wings, clean his beak, preen, and scratch his tiny little head through binoculars. Bird behavior is fascinating. Some move in unison in flocks, some are bullies, and there’s one single Song Sparrow that has been loyally feeding on my patio all year long. The Steller’s Jays come and demand peanuts, which is fine. I only put them out if I see a bird around, otherwise the squirrels come get them. The Pine Siskins are susceptible to (and carry) salmonella and there is an outbreak in the area, so I had to take my feeder down for a while so that they’d go away and I could sanitize it. I found a dead bird right outside my front door one day, and I’m pretty sure it was the sick little fella who let me hold him and bring him inside and give him thistle seed and water from an eye dropper. He was sweet, but very sick. 🙁 So I had to get them to move on for their own good. There’s still one who hangs around, but the big flock is gone. So far it looks like I’ll be able to keep them out of the main feeder by having a finch feeder full of finch food (they love thistle seed and this has that plus tiny bits of sunflower seeds, which they also like).
So anyway, the year 2020 is pretty shot at this point. Not only did I not accomplish any goals, I backslid a bit, at least where my mental health and physical fitness are concerned. I’m still eating incredibly healthy and taking vitamins, so doing OK otherwise. Sleep is good, but not drinking enough water. Basically all I need is more water and more exercise and maybe less food (fewer calories). I have managed to read a few more books this year than in previous years, though. And I’m getting better at playing the ukulele. I can play several songs now, like the first half of “Stairway To Heaven.” I can play “Unchained Melody,” “Landslide,” and “Hurt,” by NIN (the acoustic Johnny Cash cover). I can strum along to almost any song as long as it doesn’t have really difficult chords, like B minor or E, ugh. Some are just so difficult. I enjoy the uke so much I bought an Enya tenor with a low G string. It sounds really nice.
Alright, well, since I’m not going to my mom’s for Christmas this year, I’m off to make her some fudge to ship via UPS.
