It’s not Covid, but at this point I almost wish it were. The beauty of viruses is that they clear up on their own and you’re left with some immunity. Even if it is the common cold, you generally won’t suffer again from the same strain. I should have known this was a sinus infection, but with Covid cases rising and it being summer, I assumed it was probably Covid. So I waited it out despite a negative PCR test and it has been getting worse every day. I’m going on day seven now, and there’s no sign of it letting up because only antibiotics will make it go away.
This week I realized our mortality is always lurking in the shadows and we come face to face with it the first time we get sick with empty nest. There are no kids here to pick up my slack. The goddamned litter box still needs to be cleaned every day, and as I bend over to scoop out the shit, I feel my face throbbing. The clay dust gets in my sore throat and agitates it even more. There’s no one to bring me food, no one to bring me water or medicine… I’m 100% on my own. Then I stop and think, “If I die in my sleep, how will anyone know and how long will it take for them to find me?” I run the scenario through my head: first, my boss realizes I’m not online. He knows that’s not at all like me; in fact, during my review yesterday I was commended on my communication and accountability and the trust I’ve fostered. He would know something is up. My son works for the company, so he would contact my son. He has a key to the condo because he has to, to retrieve my will. So he would be able to get in and find me. I suppose it wouldn’t take too long. No one would walk in to find my corpse bloated and rotting, the cats eating my face.
Is this why single people my age date? Are they afraid to die alone? I’m not afraid to die alone because I already know I’m going to die alone. Do they want someone to bring them food and medicine and clean the litter box when they get sick? Being sick while alone does suck. I’m barely feeding myself at this point. It still doesn’t seem worth it, though… going through all of that just to not be alone during an injury or illness.
Maybe I’m just out of touch with literally everyone else’s reality because I’ve been single for 10 years.
I keep trying to date, hoping I’ll find that one person who wants what I want and who can handle me. Everyone either wants a long-term relationship where they live happily ever after with someone, or they say they just want sex, but don’t follow through. Then there’s what inevitably happens to me at least once every couple of years: I meet someone who’s on OkCupid too soon after the end of a long-term relationship, we meet, have sex, then meet again, then they tell me they’re not ready to date. I do have to hand it to Runner In Salem, at least he disabled his profile after our second date and wasn’t seeing anyone else the entire two years we were on-again, off-again. What that tells me is that he truly wasn’t ready to date and he was being honest.
More times than I can count, I get the “I’m just not ready to date yet” line, only to have them enter into an exclusive relationship with the next woman who comes along. That’s the serial monogamist who is never happy alone and can’t be honest with themselves, let alone me. I see right through them. It’s not that they’re not ready to date, it’s that they don’t want to date me.
I know when I’m being lied to. I don’t want anything sugar-coated. See, if someone lies to me, not only are they lying, they are assuming I’m too weak to handle the truth. So it’s a double insult.
The last guy I met at least had the decency to do it in person rather than ghost me or send it in a text. It was still pretty confusing, though, because all signs pointed to him being interested. After needling him about the “not ready to date yet” line, I finally got the truth. It was because we have different backgrounds and I text too much. So, in essence, he doesn’t want to date me because I grew up poor and neglected and I have a lot to say about it. He is willing to read my memoir when I finally write one, so I guess that’s a net positive. Although I can’t help but feel like a sideshow freak he can’t look away from.
I used to think men like him were out of my league– a graduate degree, successful career, big house in a nice neighborhood, an electric car… good looking, smart, etc. He checks all of everyone’s boxes. There was a time when I wondered what a guy like that could possibly see in a woman like me. Those days are long gone, however, because rather than settling for less than I deserve or avoiding those men for fear of rejection, I decided to turn myself into a person who is worthy of a man like that. I did the mental work and the emotional work and even the financial and physical work, although the physical has slipped a bit. But what really matters is that I did a ton of hard work to make myself someone worthy of a great guy. Now, although I only have a Bachelors degree and own a condo not a house… I check more of their boxes.
Even more importantly, though, is how my perspective has changed. I used to idealize successful men and assume that because they were financially secure and good looking and check all the boxes, they must really have their shit together. But they don’t always. The serial monogamist is out looking so soon… why? To meet new people and make friends? Was their last relationship so unhealthy they don’t already have friends? To “see what’s out there?” Why? Do they not have hobbies or other activities that put them out there with other people? Do they only want sex? That one makes the most sense, but they seldom make that clear. I wonder if that’s because they don’t want to be perceived as “man whores” (as someone I met this year put it). But you know what? I have seen two profiles on OkCupid of men who straight-up say that’s all they want, and I found it refreshing. Finally, someone who is honest about what they want!
The serial monogamist says they aren’t ready for a long-term relationship, but they don’t say what they are ready for or what they do want. I think they’re out looking for the next woman who makes their heart flutter and their knees weak because they are afraid to be alone for any length of time. And if they spend a couple of hours with a woman and she doesn’t do it for them, they move on.
The last guy I met said he messaged me because I made it very clear what I want. The trouble with putting what we want on a profile, though, is that some people treat it like a contractual agreement. Just like the one back in… what was it, June? I wasn’t feeling it at first, and he held me to that as if I wasn’t allowed to like him more than I’d anticipated. I may say all I want is sex on my profile (I did say “primarily,” and I make it a point to use a lot of qualifiers because of men’s propensity toward treating words like a contractual agreement), but at some point I might want more than that if I really like the guy.
So am I being a hypocrite by accusing him of not knowing for sure what he wants? I think… yes and no. I do know exactly what I want, I just won’t know who I want it with until I meet them, and it takes more than one date for me to decide.
I think what it really comes down to is that the men who are out dating so soon after the end of a LTR don’t know who they are anymore. They don’t know what makes them happy and they don’t know what kind of woman they want. They do seem to know what they don’t want… and that’s me. I’m “overbearing.” I’ve been called a lot of things, and it’s always by men who have known me for, like, a week. No one will give me the time it takes to really get to know me… and it takes a long time, because I am incredibly multi-faceted.
I think my confidence, self-assurance, and direct style of communication are a huge turn-off to men. They want a petite, vapid, helpless little thing to sit still, look pretty, and shut up. That’s the antithesis of feminism.